I’d like to follow up on an aside I threw out in my last post. Day 18 I learned I believed following my heart is a danger to my survival. I know, it sounds dramatic, but go with me here.
First, quick correction, it was Day 17 but who else would know but me. Second, the word I pulled on this revelatory day was “Withholding/Self-repression”. (more on my string of “repressed” word pulls in another post).
Growing up, I didn’t feel comfortable with my emotions, nor expressing them. At least the non-happy ones. I see it now in children close to me, a burst of hurt, anger, frustration or something and then the reaction to that feeling. There can be crying, pouting, fist throwing, sulking or screaming. Then I see the adult response of “what’s the matter?”, “what’s wrong?”, trying to figure out how to soothe, calm and make whatever has the child okay. This scenario can play out in a hundred ways and I know you all can either recall or imagine what they are. Looking back through my history, I think I felt judged for my emotions and how they came out. Others responded to me probably much in the same way I do when I’m the adult in the room. I do my best to soothe, communicate and then I just sit and let the child work through it or fall asleep. (I’m sure there are other better techniques).
As a child/teen, the judgment I thought I felt from others, I felt ten times more towards myself. From there, I didn’t learn what my emotions were or what they were for. Who teaches that class? That’s been part of the journey of my life. Instead, I adopted self-protection, a guard, a mask in order to manage what I didn’t understand but feared. The fear of not being accepted or loved because I’m a horribly emotional bad person. The fear then facilitated my suppressing exploring and expressing myself. Beliefs then developed, like I believe it is unsafe to be expressive, I believe I’ll be judged for how I feel, what I do or what I believe. I am wrong, bad, broken and need to be fixed. Something is wrong with me. (Gosh that’s a lot of baggage).
Self-repression is another way of being withholding. Repression…expression…hmmmm. To me is means to dismiss intuitive impulses or desires, to create a reason why what I’m interested in or want is unimportant, frivolous, expensive, not valuable and reject it. Why I am not worthy of it. It means holding back natural inclinations that help me grow as a person and to allow the experiences that show me who I am. It means pouring water (named self doubt, second guess or lack of worthiness) on my fire. I discovered I believed it is necessary to do that to function in the world. (I now understand I can create my own.)
When I withhold my heart-centered desires, I feel lost. I don’t function in the world I’m supposed to nor the one I want to. I fear because of that early confusion and how I interpreted “societies” beliefs, I believed I was wrong. Due to that, I developed the belief that following my heart will bankrupt me, is idealistic and will make me not pay attention to my responsibilities. I’ll be “caught up” and won’t pay attention to the things I’m supposed to do – go to work, pay bills, make money, pay taxes, get a degree, a husband, kids and be happy. I learned in this writing that following my heart will lead to “childish” things and they can’t live harmoniously with “adult” things. I believe they can’t live together, that childish things like creativity, play, joy, love, abundance are irresponsible and that money, safety, security, career, health are responsible and I believe they can’t co-exist. Therefore, I believe following my heart is a danger to my survival. It’s not true, but its what I was believing. So when I feel joy, no money and when there is money, no joy? Numerous versions of that belief have played out in my life.
Now that I know, I can let those old beliefs go. Now that I know, I change it. And instead know those “adult” things can contribute to the beauty of my life as well as those “childish” things. I choose to believe now that they do live harmoniously. And, I believe following my heart is the way to my most abundant, thriving, loving, creative life and it includes the whole of myself. I lovingly embrace all aspects of myself without fear or judgment.
If any of this resonates for you, please feel free to share in the comment section at http://whereareyoustuckworkshop.com/blog/